An alternative holiday music list

december is an annoying and depressing month. as if the fact that the sun sets by the time i wake up in not enough, stores and delis in are full of the tra-la-las and la-di-das and the hallelujahs of irritatingly chirpy christmas music.

it is an especially trying time if you, like me, believe that having to listen to Handel’s Messiah even once is one time too much. but worry not, for there is a whole world of not-so-cheesy christmas music out there. Here’s a list of some of my favorites, along with a few *defining* lines from these songs.

more suggestions are, of course, welcome.

1. “Merry fuckin’ christmas” from South Park

Hey there Mr Hindu, Merry Fuckin’ Christmas
Drink eggnog and eat some beef
and pass it to the missus
In case you haven’t noticed
It’s Jesus’ birthday
So get off your heathen Hindu ass
And fucking celebrate.

2. “Jesus’ brother bob” by The Arrogant Worms

I have to pay the ferry

To cross the Galilee
But not my brother
No not him
He walks across for free.

3. “Twelve Days of christmas” by Boymongoose, an indian-australian band from Brisbane

On the sixth day of christmas, my true love gave to me
Six IT graduates,
Five Indian Games,
Four Hare Krishnas,
Three Butter chickens,
Two Nosy in-laws
and a totally insufficient dowry.

4. “Santa doesnt cop out on dope” by Sonic Youth, indie-gods.

All year long he’s busy making toys
For all the little girls and little boys
He puts them in his sled and gives his whip a crack
On Donder, on Blitzen, but never on smack
Cuz Santa doesn’t cop out on dope!
Has he ever even tried it? Well ya know
The answer’s no!
So little kiddies, here’s my point
Just leave him cookies, and save your joint

5. “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues, featuring a rather attractive and crystal-voiced Kristy MacColl (wait for the ad to finish)

You scumbag you maggot

you cheap lousy faggot
happy christmas your arse
i pray God its our last

Also, these have to be the nuttiest TV ads i have ever seen. Check them out.


3 Responses to “An alternative holiday music list”

  1. Falstaff Says:

    Agree with you in general, but have to defend Handel’s Messiah.

    To begin with, the Messiah proper (as opposed to that one overhyped Hallelujah chorus) is hardly cheerful – “He was despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief”. The overall message is one of hope, true, but it’s a cautious hope, and one arrived at after great suffering.

    plus which, Messiah is music on a grand scale, not like these annoying little melodies that you hear playing in public places, with their sickly sweet obviousness. I’d be perfectly happy if restaurants and shops everywhere were to start playing Handel, it’s when they play Favourite Christmas Tunes by Talentless No-neck and Band that I get pained.

  2. Heh Heh Says:

    there’s a difference between bing crosby-ish pulp and the Messiah, i agree. while the former is unbearably cloying, the latter get on my nerves too. maybe i’ve had too much of it.

  3. Sughosh Says:

    Haha, “Fairytale of New York” tops my list too! What a song! And yes I love Kirsty too 🙂

    Here’s another fave, though not as amusing:

    “A Christmas Song” by Jethro Tull:

    when you’re stuffing yourself at the Christmas parties
    you’ll just laugh when i tell you to take a running jump
    you’re missing the point i’m sure does not need making
    that christmas spirit is not what you drink

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