some adbhaice on garlls

Long ago in the hallowed portals of a certain hostel of a certain IIT, dwelt an unremarkable little man called bongu. his name belies the part of india that he came from, but a post describing the remarkable qualities of his ilk does not belong here. bongu-da was a pretty average man, albeit with something in his credentials that few IITians have – an ex-garllphrend. in the process that resulted in her being an ex, she was the dumper and he was the dumpee. however, since bongu-da was one of the few who had any exposure to the female of the species, all of us turned to him in matters concerning them.

“Hum tumko ek adbhaice deta hai”, bongu-da told us once, sequentially sipping on chai from a glass and puffing on a ‘chhota gold-flake’. “Iph you laaike a garll, nebher be nice to har. (no, not you, Har) It never pays”

For long we followed his advice. If a girl smiled, we scowled, hoping to create an impression. If she changed hairstyles we went and told her it looked weird. If she wore a nice dress, we asked her if she had bought it at a used-clothes sale. Eventually we realized the folly of our ways and learnt to be a decent human being (do i hear sniggers?). Whether or not it has made a difference is another thing altogether, and, in order to maintain the focus of this post, I will not dwell upon it.

Recently, a mail sent to someone i know, purportedly asking her out, was brought to my notice. In the interests of propriety, i am not going to include the original mail here. I could have tried to capture the spirit of the mail but any recreation would have been a shadow of the original. It should suffice to say here that the person sending the mail seemed to be a follower of bongu.

Drawing inspiration from the mail, and wishing to push the frontiers of human knowledge a wee bit further, we conducted a little survey – a sting operation, so to speak, and sent emails to thirty female bloggers. There are different flavors of not-so-niceness here. The responses follow in the next post.

1. Mr. Hindi medium (not-that-there’s-anything-wrong-with-that).

Dear Ms. XYZ,
Myself, ABC. I am reading your blog. You are living in (insert city)? I am very much wanting to meet you. I am (insert degree here) in (insert topic here) and am working in (insert company here). But I am not liking that you are talking about s3*. woman should not be open about things like this. It is not our culture. When is your earliest convenience, so that we can meet?
Your’s sincerely,

2. I’m so cool (but actually desperate)

Hey XYZ:
What do the next few days look like! was wondering if we could meet.. I don’t particularly care about this, but i made a new year resolution to speak my mind, and i would like to catch up with ya. i wanna know what ya think. i’m not a crazy man. heh heh heh. talk to ya laterzz.

3. The compulsive counsellor

I went through your blog. Rather concerned about you. I think you have some severe psychological issues. Email me back here if you want someone who understands.

4. wren and martin ki naajaayaz aulaad

Dear XYZ,
Although I might concede that you have an interesting web-log and that your thoughts may be considered somewhat intelligent, you will have to admit that it is ridden with grammatical mistakes of every manner. Take your spelling, for instance – (insert typo here) should have been spelt (insert correct spelling). In addition to that, the fact that your sentence construction is often flawed is of much concern to me.
Nevertheless, I would be quite interested in being acquainted with you, and, since we share the same city, I propose that we arrange a meeting. Please let me know of a suitable time.

Lastly, an email that was nice, but full of annoying sms-speak.

5. Mr. Luv4u

i like u coz i think our frequencies match. i know what u feel like. if u want to make a friend, call me at xxxxxxxxxx or sms me pleeeeeez coz i will always b there 4 u.

I will reveal some of the responses I got, but before that, do comment on how you would respond to these mails, if you ever got them. I’m sure male bloggers out there get their share of annoying emails too, so please jump in. and smart-ass brownie points are there for the taking.


8 Responses to “some adbhaice on garlls”

  1. Arthur Quiller Couch Says:

    I’ve been browsing a lot of blogs lately. Your idea’s been done before, with some hilarious takes on “I want to mek frendsip”.
    Best of luck, you should have some fun with this.

  2. Falstaff Says:

    For what it’s worth, I think bongu had the right idea. Not because being not being nice to the girl you like will help you get together with her – but precisely because it won’t. Instead of going through one long cycle where you went out of your way to be nice to her, spending time and effort and money in attempts to impress her, this way you just short-circuit the process and go straight to the point where the recriminations and insults start. So much more efficient, no?

  3. Brown Magic Says:

    Bongu is not entirely off the mark – being mean isn’t how you “get” the girl – but there are plenty (pretty but secretly insecure) whose interest would be sparked by a vaguely insulting comment. Wont work over email though.
    disclaimer – its a shitty thing to do and I am not recommending it.

  4. Heh Heh Says:

    Q: thanks. as far as blogging goes, i wasnt aware this had been done. but i am not an avid blog surfer myself.

    falstaff 🙂 a slight difference was that this guy was talking about it as a strategy of making the girl LIKE you.

    bm: yes. it only works on secretly insecure (and, my i add, vain) people. which is why there’s little point to it.

  5. Megha Says:

    First things first – allow me to be W&M’s najaayaz aulad for a bit and correct Mr luv4u’s love letter.

    “I lyk u coz I think our frequencies match. I no what u feel lyk. If u want to make a friend, call me at xxxxxxxxxx or sms me pleeeeeez coz I will alwayz b der 4 u.”

    There. Much better. And there’s a two more types to add to your list.

    1. Mr You’re-so-funny-I’m-so-shocked

    “You are amazingly funny, especially for a girl. It is very rare to find a woman with a sense of humor, you know. No offense. Just an observation.”

    2. Mr I-am-a-man-of-so-many-interests

    “I want to know more about you. Where are you from? What are your hobbies and interests? I like music, watching tv and hanging out with friends. And watching Friends with friends. LOL! Just kidding!!”

    You want to kill him for a) asking you your ‘hobbies’ b) referring to ‘hanging out with friends’ as a hobby and c) his attempt at humor. But what to do, he’s just kidding.

    And don’t look at me wondering why I know. Completely theoretical knowledge this is. Honest.

  6. sa re ga ma Says:

    Looking for a pretty & Beautiful smart and Intelligent Girl, with any Professional graduation, or Masters Degree is preferred, doesn’t mean that others Science and Commerce graduates are ignored. If that is what you are please drop off a line with your pics.

    Try that one!!!

  7. Har Says:

    “Nebher be nice to har”

    This explains EVERYTHING.

  8. Amarula Says:

    where are the replies?? from the girls??

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