On torture..

if you have been catching up with current affairs over the last couple of weeks, you would be aware of the stand-off between Senator John Mccain and the Bush administration over the torture of detainees by US government entities. McCain spent five years being tortured in rat-infested vietnamese prisons and he knows a thing or two about torture. Which is why, in this case, we have reasons to listen to him. And before you get worried about where this post his headed, let me tell you this is not a political rant. You see, I know a thing or two about torture too.

Surprised? Don’t be. For you see, I regularly torture frankfurters. Not the people, but the sausages. Here’s the how to of it in a few simple steps:

1. The first thing you want to do when you feel like torturing frankfurters is to get hold of them. Frankfurters are notoriously hard to capture. At the first sign of danger, their ears perk up and they hide. Fortunately modern technology has developed a way to keep them sedated in the meat section of supermarkets. Approach them quietly and carefully. You don’t want them to awaken. When you are close enough, grab them quickly, and hold on to them tight.

2. Even after you have laid your hands on them, there is still the tricky part of getting them out of the custody of the supermarket guys. You will have to resort to bribery at the check-in counter. The bribe usually goes under the name of “Retail Price”, so that supermarkets can keep their accounts clean and not be accused of abetting the torture of innocent sausages.

3. When you get them to your place, lock them up immediately in your fridge. The other day I forgot to do this, and I found them later, cowering under my kitchen table. I would have missed them completely had it not been for the fact that I am such a pro at this game.

4. There are several methods of extracting information from them. Some people prefer to cut them up and otherwise mutilate them. I like to do it whole, either boiling them alive or grilling. Show no mercy. Only then will you get the answers you seek.

5. preheat a pan, pour a little oil on it, and show the frankfurter the meaning of a proper grilling. Alternately let them know what it means to land in hot water. Be careful. They have a mean bite and if you don’t watch out, they will jump out and scamper away. If you want to increase your pleasure, make the frankfurter’s mates watch it.

6. Sometimes a frankfurter will die while you are at it. Since we want to be humane, and since we are morally superior to them, we respect their dead. The best thing to do is to give them a dignified burial. Out of respect for frankfurter traditions, lay them on a soft hot dog roll and, in accordance with their rituals, cover them with mustard, relish and ketchup. Let them rest in pieces in your stomach.

7. Even if a frankfurter dies, don’t let it bother you. There’s the other frankfurters, they will surely know. All frankfurters are in on the big secret, so a little collateral damage is acceptable. If all the frankfurters you have in your custody die one by one, you can always head out to the supermarket to capture more. Don’t worry, some day, they will reveal the big secret. Till then, in the interest of national security, it is our job, as conscientious citizens, to keep trying.

Heh. Not for nothing is this site called mental deviation.

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4 Responses to “On torture..”

  1. Falstaff Says:

    Heh: I would be careful with these Frankfurters if I were you. These Germans are not the kind of people you want to mess around with. Just look at what happened to the guys who drew up the Treaty of Versailles.

    Personally, I’m happier torturing the kind of weak, helpless breakfast foods that can’t fight back. Like putting bread in your toaster and letting it come up half done to see if it will talk yet, and then, just as its getting its breath back plunging it down again for another go. Or that glorious moment when you press the tip of your spoon to the delicate eye of a fried egg, and you can see it quivering in fear and then you push the spoon through and see the yellow muck of its pupil running down its face. And as for cereal – well – is there a sweeter sound than hearing the bones of those little b******s crunch when you put them in milk.

  2. Pareshaan Says:

    Even porno wieners don’t go through such a hard time!
    Sheer Genius – lovely post.

  3. Heh Heh Says:

    falstaff: OOh, that egg thing.. i always do that to eggs and follow that up with maniacal laughter.

    pareshaan: thanks, dude.

  4. Amarula Says:

    oh merde this reminds me of octopus… i remember seeing someone boil a live octopus when i was a kid. it was a curious thing… the animal moved about… helpless.. and it was weird…

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